OVER at the London Palladium mind readers Darren and Andrew (DNA) were attempting to pluck a random phone number out of Amanda Holden’s mobile contacts.
And so was I.
Viewers were treated to doggy yoga as part of this year’s Britain’s Got Talent auditions[/caption]
Is it “The Stiff Upper Lip Clinic, in Hollywood,” Amanda . . . ?
“The Gottle o’ Geer Clinic, in Cricklewood . . . ?”
Doga instructor Mahny showed off her skills before inviting the judges on stage to give it a go[/caption]
Then how about “That sod who cast me in Mad About Alice?”
No dice either, apparently.
It was just “My sister, Debbie.”
A perfectly ho-hum revelation for a perfectly hit-and-miss opening to a new series of Britain’s Got Talent, where Ant & Dec seemed to be pitching a dancing policeman and a bloke with a papier mache boat on his head as the counter-balance to all your nuclear Armageddon worries, “in these turbulent times”.
Simon Cowell appearing on stage with the contestant[/caption]
A big ask for them and a show that’s been nothing like as entertaining as its own brilliant ITV2 spin-off, Britain’s Got More Talent, for the past three series at least.
Familiarity is the old enemy here.
Viewers know before every Britain’s Got Talent episode they’ll be offered a confection of performing dogs, a pianist on sob story alert, plucky-sounding amateurs, like Jess Robinson, who turn out to be seasoned television pros, some foreign goofball who’s been hand-picked from a European version of the show and some precocious brats.
You got versions of all those clichés at the weekend.
Genuine surprises, however, were a little harder to come by, even if I was slightly taken aback by the eight-year-old comedian, Ned Woodman, whose dog gag left Amanda Holden looking frozen in horror, or “unchanged”, depending on how uncharitable you felt.
Judge Amanda Holden using the performer’s phone[/caption]
Only one act, though, left me spluttering with laughter on Saturday.
This was Mahny and Robbie, who performed something called Doga, which is a compound of dog and yoga and also a bit like a compound of Pilates and fish. Pish.
It wasn’t the performance itself that got me here, but the sight of Robbie’s tail wedged very suggestively between Mahny’s legs and the chaos that ensued when the hosts’ and judges’ dogs were introduced.
Robbie had his head up Ant’s Labrador’s bum. Dec’s dachshund had its head up Robbie’s bum.
Alesha Dixon probably had her head up Simon Cowell’s bum and one of them took a leak on David Walliams’ shoes.
Mindreader DNA with Simon Cowell on stage[/caption]
It was a joy to behold.
This isn’t much of a recommendation to watch the rest of the series, I realise, but the thing about Britain’s Got Talent is that it’s always been at its best when it’s celebrating rubbish and at its absolute worst when the show’s trying to push our emotional buttons or thinks it’s on to something big.
Witness, Sarah Ikumu, the 15-year-old singer from Milton Keynes, who’s clearly not without talent, but is untrained so she sounded more like someone was performing the Heimlich manoeuvre on Jennifer Hudson at times.
The acclaim, however, was universal and the hype machine’s now in full spin.
But if she’s Britain’s next singing sensation then I’ll have mind-read the next number in Amanda Holden’s phone before Tuesday week’s column.
Is it Forehead Solutions from Balfour Beatty? InstaClown, by Chanel? The Botox Schmotox hut, just off the Wapping Highway . . . ? (To be continued).
TV QUIZ. Who said the following, last week? “I’m quite old-fashioned. I think when you get married it should be for ever.”
a) The Archbishop of Canterbury.
b) The Most Reverend Vincent Nichols, leader of England’s Catholics.
Or c) Katie friggin’ Price, the thrice-married Loose Women presenter.
Clue. You can probably discount a and b.
PLEASE, if you watch only one comedy this week, make it Richard Osman and Tom Davis corpsing the hell out of Murder In Successville (BBC1, Saturday, 11.20pm). It’s funny.
CHANNEL 4’s The Super Orgasm documentary came with an “ooh” and an “aah” and a Kumbaya, on Thursday night.
It was all in the name of science and exploring female sexuality, naturally.
So they’d rounded up some “super-orgasmic women” (up to 60 a day) to perform for Essex University psychologist, Doctor Gerulf Rieger, who wanted to see how they would respond to watching pornographic videos.
Nathalie on Channel 4’s The Super Orgasm documentary[/caption]
Enthusiastically, is the answer, though don’t get your grubby little hopes up too much. We’re not talking Pirelli calendars here.
One of them, Nathalie, didn’t even take her woolly hat off for the duration of the experiment.
But another, called Jannette, was so prolific they flew her out for more tests in America, where she entered an MRI scanner and the commentary passed into legend: “Jannette must be completely still, so she will be restrained, but it won’t be easy reaching orgasm wearing a Hannibal Lecter mask.”
It certainly won’t . . . I’d imagine.
Orgasm she did, though, twice, emerging, a bit flustered, later, with an unlikely explan- ation for her talent: “I am a Christian.
“An orgasm is the best feeling in the world and, as far as I’m concerned, God gave me that power.”
Truly, the second coming is at hand.
GREAT TV lies and delusions of the month. The Nightly Show, Gordon Ramsay: “Tuesday nights just got a whole lot better.”
An Evening With Take That, Howard Donald: “The reason we’re here is to sing songs.”
“But we’re also here to answer questions.”
(Shift more product).
– And The Super Orgasm, Beverley: “I am a priestess of love and sacred sexuality.”
By which, I think she means, bat s**t crazy.
MOST eye-catching TV appearance of the week belonged to a heavily Ronsealed German called Martina Big, whose “tanning addict” billing didn’t begin to do her justice, on This Morning.
She’s so hooked on illegal injections she’s turned a vivid shade of antique walnut brown, on your Dulux colour chart.
It wasn’t the only distress signal she was sending out, either.
Martina was cradling a pair of 32S jugs that were so humongous and distracting they must have hypnotised Ruth Langsford into asking: “Are they implants?”
ARE THEY IMPLANTS?
Are Cocoa Republic’s giant Easter eggs a bit heavy on the old calories, Ruth?
“Yes,” Martina confirmed. They were indeed implants.
But don’t think you can teach that sort of stuff at one of your fancy journalism schools. It’s pure instinct.
ON Sunday’s extraordinary Line of Duty, DS Arnott lived to fight another day in the ICU3 at the HDU, while the ACC (Hilton) tried it on with Operation Trapdoor’s SIO, DCI (Huntley), who survived questioning by a DC and the SIO (Hastings) from AC-12, for the benefit of the OIC.
Although she still could be nailed for the murder of the FI (Ifield) by the CCTV and a swab from KRG-13 which she mistook for KRG-30 and is now image 22 and document 9.
With the remarkable thing being, it all made the most brilliant and compelling sense.
What a TV show.
TV expert of the week, The Super Orgasm: “Doctor Gerulf Rieger has built an arousal booth to study the building blocks of orgasm.
“But he’s never tested a super-orgasmic woman before.”
Then he’s not doing it right, is he?
THIS week’s winner is Scarlett Moffatt and Harry Hill’s “ex-wife Mandy,” from ITV’s brilliant Alien Fun Capsule.
Emailed in by Stevo, from Herts. Picture research: Amy Reading.
RANDOM TV irritations: ITV burdening us with more luvvie outbursts about refugees at the Olivier Awards.
– Good Morning Britain turning into a daily mollycoddle without Piers and Susanna.
– Bafta contriving to leave Line of Duty out of its shortlist.
– The Trip starting to look very tired and incredibly pleased with itself, after three series.
– And a week of EastEnders which involved the bulldog vomiting, on Monday, Bex eating cat poo, on Thursday, and Abi chucking her guts up, over a bloke she was snogging, on Good Friday. Happy Easter.
TV GOLD: Adrian Dunbar and Thandie Newton acting themselves to a standstill on TV’s best show, Line of Duty. Car Share’s Peter Kay and Sian Gibson singing Bardo’s One Step Further.
– Paddy McGuinness’s brilliant and underrated handling of the Take Me Out mob.
– Everyone having a lot more fun on Britain’s Got More Talent than on the main show.
– And Channel 4’s The Knowledge: World’s Toughest Taxi Test, which didn’t get much publicity but was funny, touching, life-affirming and wouldn’t have been flattered by a series.
QUIZ show imbeciles of the week. Tipping Point, Ben Shephard: “What famous American magazine shares its name with the information given by a clock?”
– Ben Shephard: “The animal known as a rhinoceros unicornis has how many horns?”
– And The Chase, Bradley Walsh: “The Imperial Peking breed of what bird is used in a famous Chinese dish?”
GREAT Sporting Insights. Alan McInally: “If I had ten guesses as to who’ll win this game, I still wouldn’t get it right.”
– James Vince: “We’re not too dis-happy to be batting first.”
– Eddie Howe: “I was disappointed which, overall, was the big disappointment.”
– And Dermot Gallagher: “Michael Oliver was nearly taken down a back alley and suckered.” Oh aye?
(Compiled by Graham Wray)